Dear Diary
by lilith.lily.luna
Summary: A diary is good for venting when you are frustrated. Lily Lun Potter has some deep issues only her diary knows.


**Authors Note: So I am really more of a reader than a writer…. That is why I cannot guarantee that this story is good…but I like it.**

**If you find a story similar to this one it is by mere coincidence because a few things that I wrote are my own feelings and cannot be a copy.**

**I am from Germany , English is only my third language, I apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes I made. You can write me about them and I will fix them as soon as possible.**

**Disclaimer: As I said, I am from Germany so there is no way I could own Harry Potter.**

**If the following is an actual quote I have no Idea who said it and if it is I do not own it, if you have never heard of it either, than it belongs to me:)**

Adults are only children in disguise

trying to play a game called real life

without knowing the rules.

Dear diary. 30th September

I hate feeling so left alone, I don't even know why I suddenly started to feel so lonely.

There was no trigger or anything like that it just started, this aching feeling in my chest I can't control.

Maybe it´s because I miss my home and my family and my friends that are living there, but I also have friends here and half of my family is here and I am away from home for a month now and till now I never felt this way.

I hate it. I hate. I hate it. IhateitIhateitIhateit!

And now I am repeating myself.

What is wrong with me?

Why can`t I see a purpose in anything that I am doing?

Why am I feeling like something inside me is missing without being able to determine what?

I am feeling like some kind of a freak who is missing important emotional assets.

WHY?!

I shouldn`t be like this.

I am only eleven.

I had a normal upbringing and nothing bad ever happened to me, well at least nothing I can remember.

I just started school, I should be ecstatic.

I should be a perfectly normal human being.

So why do I feel as if I am something from outerspace or from I don't know where?

I know I shouldn´t be complaining because there are people way worse than I am, like the poor people in Africa who don't even know if there is anything to eat the next day.

But humans are selfish creatures, maybe not on the outside.

No, on the outside they pretend to care and to take responsibility but in reality they only think about what profit is in there for them.

I certainly know that I am a selfish creature deep inside and that I will put myself first most of the time.

Just the way I am doing now.

I am complaining about my problems and not thinking about how to help others with their problems.

I guess I didn't even have to mention my selfishness, if anyone will ever read this, they all would have figured it out anyway, after reading this, by just looking at all the "I"s I put here.

So I guess I try to change, maybe being less self-centered will also help me feel less lonely, less freakish, less I don't know what…

Lily

* * *

><p>Dear diary. 31st October<p>

I tried being less selfish for about a month now.

It is not working.

I am still feeling lost and alone.

Nothing changed!

I tried to help everyone who needed help, I tried to concentrate on classes up to the point where I excelled in each and every one of them, even in history of magic and that one is really, really boring.

I even entered the chess club and the choir, to my luck I was too young for the quidditsh team, note the irony.

I am out of ideas.

Why is it so easy for other people to lose themselves in something that they like, so fast and with such intensity that they are glowing?

Why can´t something like that happen to me?

Why am I always feeling as if I am doing everything only halfhearted?

Okay I can answer that one.

It is because I **am** doing everything only halfhearted.

This is part of my problem.

I just can`t bring up enthusiasm for all those things.

I just feel numb when I think about them.

But I will keep on trying, maybe I just need more time, maybe there is something like a turning point up ahead.

Well, I desperately hope there is one, because if there isn`t I don't know how long I will be able to keep up with all this crap.

So please, please, please let there be some light up ahead that will tear this darkness away from me, so that I can breathe again.

I want to start feeling alive and not like I am a walking dead.

PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! **_PLEASE!_**

Lily

* * *

><p>Dear diary. 23rd December<p>

It is still not working.

Nothing is, for that matter.

The winter holidays already started and nothing changed.

I am starting to go crazy, especially at this time of the year.

It is Christmas soon and everywhere I go people are giggling and looking forward to it.

For me it is just a day I have no school which is great, I mean, who likes school?!

Except I do, because I have things to do there and no time to think and feel.

But it is as it is, I just feel a little bit happy about not having school and about getting presents but I am not getting giddy and all excited about it, like other girls my age.

I just do not get this Christmas feeling which makes every person go all giddy and mushy and what not.

What´s worse now that I am back home for my Christmas break I can say with much certainty that I was not feeling lonely because of homesickness.

That lonely feeling that started to haunt me several month ago is still there and just won´t go away, sometimes I do not feel its presence that strong but it is always there gnawing its way out from the deepest depth of my mind.

My mom has this look in her eyes, when her gaze drifts to me, she will give me an amazing present I know it, it is so obvious.

And I am going to feel guilty again because my happiness will only be a façade nothing more and I know my mom will notice it and be deflated.

Urgh… I really have to practice keeping my charade up so that no one will notice it.

Please let me get through this holiday with a little part of my sanity still intact, at least I hope I still have some sanity.

Wish me luck.

Lily

* * *

><p>I HATE IT!<p>

I HATE IT!

I HATE IT!

This fucking pretense I am living is nothing like a life!

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

Why does it have to be me

It is just so arghhh…

Okay Lily breath…..

Good

Now, that I calmed down I can start writing coherent sentences again.

So after Christmas and overcoming my guilt because my lack of all this mushy gushy stuff, life was going back into being regular.

Schoolwork, clubs, friends.

That's all there was.

I started to get secure in this rhythm.

I still had this empty feeling and all that shit but the feeling as if I was swimming around with nothing keeping me grounded was slowly becoming less prominent.

That is when it happened.

It was only a few weeks away from summer holidays and everyone was studying for the upcoming exams.

On a Sunday with blazing temperatures, quite unusual for that time of the year, most of the students took a break and went out of the stuffy library and onto the grounds around the lake.

Of course I and my fellow slitherin students were also located there. (I am not sure if I can call them friends so I just keep it this way)

I relished in the warmth that the sun was creating on my skin, which is always cold for some time now, when this biggest idiot that is breathing walked into the light and casted a shadow over me.

Okay he is not an idiot he is probably really smart because he was the only one who could tell that I was only pretending and that is what he told everyone outright.

He practically spat it out as if it was the most disgusting thing that could ever happen.

The worst part is, that he is right.

I am a horrible person no one deserves what I do to them.

They all think my feelings are true and believe in me but I am only letting them down, I stab them in the back and turn the knife for good measures.

We have summer vacation now and his words are still haunting me, always echoing around in my head, pricking me like a million tiny needles.

Without all the schoolwork and clubs and people around me I have time to think and I feel that I drift further and further away.

It is just…

I have no idea what to do

I am already working and holding on for so long, nearly a year now

My resolve to change something inside me is

crumbling

it is hard

I still have hope but it is dwindling away but I´ll try

I just have to ignore the darkness that is creeping closer and closer trying to strangle me.

**HELP ME!**

* * *

><p>It is enough,<p>

I give up.

I don't want to work hard anymore, I don't want to listen to my so called "friends" gossiping about everyone and everything and pretend all the while that I am feeling the same.

I don't care if they think they are fat or if that one guy might like them.

Why don't they just diet or ask the boy, why do they have to analyze every little detail.

We are only twelve why should we worry about things like that while we have our whole life still ahead of us.

My family that is at Hogwarts is also distancing themselves from me and concentrating more on their friends.

So why should I uphold this pretense?!

I am exhausted

So byebye diary

You were good for letting my frustration out which is the only emotion I had for a while now but now that I am giving up I don't need you anymore.

From today on I will live my life like I want it.

Now I will not only swim around hoping something will keep me grounded and pull me to the shore where everyone else is, no now I will start swimming, sinking whatever I feel like doing.

Lily Luna Potter

* * *

><p>Third Persons POV:<p>

Three years passed and Lily is now at her fifth year at Hogwarts.

In those three years she lived in near solitude while still participating in all her clubs and keeping her good grades up she never formed a close bond with anyone of her schoolmates.

But it is not like she became a reclose she started to party and mingle and rebel against the good girl image everyone had of her.

Still no one dared to approach her.

With her blue dyed hair, sloppily put on uniform with undone tie and to short skirt and her frosty attitude she became infamous.

Just like that she was full of contradictions.

She lured in boys with her attire and her sassy smiles and swaying hips, but when one guy approached her all walls shot up and the brave one was left standing alone.

All this didn't go unnoticed by her parents, how could it.

They tried to talk to her and Lily did try to explain how she felt but it was as if they were reading on different pages in the same book.

Harry and Ginny tried everything they could think of with the only result of Lily feeling more alien and starting to withdraw from her family.

She started to stay at Hogwarts over Christmas and during the summer holidays she only came back home to sleep, spending the whole day wandering the streets of muggle London where no one recognized her.

* * *

><p><strong>That is it…I don´t know if this will get any more chapters or if it will stand as an oneshot with an ending everybody can decide on their own.<strong>

**Please review and only give constructive criticism if you have any.**

**Love .luna**


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